Monday, December 22, 2008

On Being A Writer

I like to fancy myself a "writer".

Yes, upon learning that my seatmate on a three-hour flight weighs in at just slightly less than a quarter of a ton and I will be unable to move my shoulders, arms or feet for the duration of the flight, and after asking "Just how many freaking calories do you have to stuff into that pie hole every hour in order to sustain that blubbery mass of human fat?", oh, I mean, "What kind of work do you do?", and after learning that this quivering blob of jelly is a sumo wrestler wannabe, and, finally, out of politeness asks, "What kind of work do you do?", I can respond, "Oh, I'm a writer". Oh, the joy...

Oh, I know I'm not a Hemingway or a Steinbeck or a Shakespeare. But when asked what kind of writing I do, I will respond, "Oh, everything". How-to books. Self-help books. Philosophy. Science. Romance. Biography. Bad checks. You name. I've written it. In my mind, at least.

My latest scientific endeavor is an examination of non-parallel universes. These universes actually intersect at various points and at various angles. The actual intersection can never by predicted. One day you're driving down the road and you suddenly realize you've been asleep at the wheel for some unknown amount of time and your vehicle is drifting off the road and you have to jerk the steering wheel to get back on track, and you think how lucky you were and, my god, you might have actually killed someone, and some idiot is probably going to say, "The hand of God kept you from disaster" but all the time you were in a universal-non-parallel-intersective event. Most unusual events can be attributed to this hpercapacative phenomenon.

Also bouncing around in my head is the outline for a romance novel concerning a young vampire who is just about to have lunch courtesy an amazingly beautiful girl when, you guessed it, a universal-non-parallel-intersective event occurs and instead of dining our young hero falls in love. This is going to be big, folks. I see movies, sequels, prequels, a TV series, spinoffs, related products, ad infinitum. My tentative title is "Sunset" or "Sunrise" or something along those lines.

Anyway, the idea of being a "writer" is appealing. Keeps my mind off the freaking cold. Just remember, It's Your Font, Do What You Want to Do. Writers seem to like to write in Times New Roman, at least in their word processing programs. Journals used to want stories submitted in Courier, but now Times New Roman is common in guidelines (alway… more → Between the Page and the Shelf).

Update: Unfortunately my work on non-parallel universes is not entirely original. In fact:

Other kind of universes include, but are not limited to, the below:
  • almost parallel universes,
  • not so parallel universes,
  • rather unparallel universes,
  • really non-parallel universes,
  • universes that are not parallel at all,
  • ass-backwards universes,
  • bat-shit crazy universes,
  • buck-wild universes,
  • and the worst of all, perpendicular universes, which are what we're trying to discuss here.
There goes three minutes of work down the tubes. Dang.

I almost had this feeling I was channeling a certain Kenneth Schmierer.

Have a marvelous Monday,



goprairie said...

yeah and you blattantly stole the driving off the road stuff from ME, dammit.

Chuckles said...

Life's a bitch, ain't it? Deal with it! I believe I did link to YOU however, so give credit where credit is due. Thanks for the inspiration.

goprairie said...

yeah i knew all that and was just poking you with an e-stick.
i think they told me in various design schools and art classes and corporate workshops that 1) there is nothing new under the sun so it is all reused 2) reuse is the best form of flattery (i may have paraphrased that somewhat) and 3) it's not who does the best work wtih the stuff but who manages to get most noticed for it that matters (i may be making that part up totally) and i would add 4) if you can get paid for any of it, go go go for it . . .